One goal.
Today my boyfriend got me to the gym. I burned about 266 calories, which is ok. Actually it’s good.
I feel the desire again to go out and eat lots. I have to remember why I went into this diet in the first place. And the one thing that holds me to it, that binds me to it, above everything else is one thing and one thing I can focus on.
It’s different.
I started this because it’s different. And I don’t have to remember eight different things. I have been surrounded by advertising and advice, to the point that the books, tv shows, friends advice, and otherwise ask you to do five to eight things to remember to keep doing so you’re a success. Some of these things are:
- Exercise 1 hour a day.
- Drink plenty of water.
- Prepare all your meals.
- Get all your servings of fruit, and veg, and meat.
- Meditate.
- Count your calories.
- Figure out and write down your triggers.
- Alternate your response so you go for a walk instead of eating if you’re stressed.
- Move around minimally in the day so you’re always being active.
- Have a big breakfast.
- Cut down on caffeine.
- Fake it till you make it.
- Say your affirmations over and over.
This is one of the reasons why I became a personal trainer. Because in order to maintain a lifestyle with this I have to live it all day. How others do it… it would have to be ingrained in a habitual way so that you don’t think about it. You do all that and filter it into your daily life so that it becomes apart of the process.
But if it isn’t… you have to remember and do everything. Alllll these things… how can anybody ever hope to keep up? I have one solution, and that’s to do what I feel is natural. But right now I decided to do one thing and one thing only:
Do it differently.
Because if you do the same thing all the time you’ll always get the same feedback. And I want different feedback, I’m searching for different feedback. And this diet is that. It gives me a simple, and straight forward, and direct purpose. So we’ll see what happens this weigh in Thursday.
Goal
____________
I really have to follow through on my goal of going to Gold Class and seeing a movie. It makes my last effort of 21 days significant. And I want to keep my promise and tell myself I deserve the reward, and not just bounce it away. Alas, no funds.
Weakness= unhappiness.
So I’m feeling very down currently. I want to run to 7 Eleven and buy up on the chocolate. Man… I haven’t had chocolate in a long while.
I gave in and ate the last few crackers and cheese. I also had my Celebrity Slim soup. I’m doing everything I can not to move from this room.
Measurement day | Beginning
Today is day 1 of my second 21 day diet goal.
Oh, I should measure myself….later… Ok now I’ve measured myself. But I have to hold these measurements to myself. These are secret and private. It took an abundance of courage for me to tell the world how much I weigh but the measurements… it’s like telling the world… no really this is what I look like.
But I have something to work off. And since this time last year I have put on about 5-6cm around my body.
Symptom: Yesterday I finished off my cheese platter plate and the lollies I bought. At night my bowels didn’t agree with me at all. The sort of time when you’re fine and the suddenly oh no! Run run run run. It’s deceptive, and annoying if you decide to go out because you think you’re all good. So my body is responding drastically to me putting lollies… and cheeses (which is odd?) into it. I had this feedback last time when I ate pizza.
So today to start I had yoghurt and fruit for breakfast, and I’ll have a Celebrity slim shake for lunch and go from there. I already, after two days of feeling like I have a bit of freedom, feel the desire for continuous eating creeping in. It doesn’t take long. It’s like I must have total control and discipline or none at all or I have to anticipate the slow rise of my old habits.
One thing I thought I’d mention is a good way to help turn away the desire to want to keep eating is chewing gum. I’ve been trying it out since I started, and it does help.
New symptom.
For my celebratory night I bought my favourite lollies- the party mix for the Natural Confectionery Company. I also got some cheeses and crackers that I snacked on through lunch yesterday. It seems today is the same, because I couldn’t even get through half of either of those.
So I’ll finish them off today and start the next 21 days tomorrow.
I’m actually writing for a different purpose. A symptom. A good one.
I looked at myself naked in the mirror this morning and felt good about myself. I felt good. I don’t know if I have lost centimetres and actually this next 21 days I will take recordings to see if the kilos match up to the measurements. Maybe my body has taken on a different shape. Maybe my mind has taken on a different shape and in turn sees myself differently. I really like this symptom, either way.
21 days completed.
Today is day 21. Well done to me for sticking to a healthy diet for 21 days. Part shakes, part healthy eating.
However I don’t have scales today so I can’t tell you what my ultimate weight is. It would not be a dramatic change I don’t expect.
Conclusion for this diet:
If I had stuck to only the Celebrity Slim for 21 days, I expect I would have lost the weight. However it appears I lack the ability to ignore hunger. So this was only a sort of back up plan for times when I didn’t have good food- or any food- in the house.
I have also come to learn that I may be reacting to carbohydrates more than I realise. I’m wondering if that’s the issue, and reason for why I haven’t lost any weight- carbohydrates. Some bodies respond fine to them, others hold onto them and I, as an endomorph, hold onto everything. So even though I was eating well the particular types of food cause my body to hold onto the fat.
I love my potatoes. But I didn’t eat a lot of potatoes so I’m thinking probably bread. Although I didn’t eat as much bread as I usually would either. I didn’t as eat much of anything I used to- I thought it all balanced out pretty well.
One weakness I have with the shakes is that by dinner time I’m starved and plan on having a big meal and possibly dessert after. So you eat a lot, and then go to bed. In the last week or two though when I was really into the shakes I did notice that come to dinner time even though I was starving and planned for a big meal- I couldn’t eat one. I’d be stuffed after a very short time so that’s certainly something. Like my mum says though, I “eat with my eyes”.
I have learned:
- My stomach has returned to it’s normal size, and so when looking at a meal and preparing one even though I prep for a lot I can’t eat a lot. (For what it’s worth- stomach’s don’t ‘shrink’, they become enlarged and then return to their normal size).
- I am capable of overcoming my addiction to sugar.
- I can achieve the goals I set.
- Being prepared is one of the absolute key ingredients in maintaining a healthy life.
- It’s important to have a mentor.
- Even the smallest achievements are great.
- I do feel better in the body, and my body does react to sugary and junk foods. For example: last night we had pizza, and this morning I had diarrhea. This has happened on more than one occasion I have noticed, same with the sugar = headache.
Next goal:
- Continue on this Celebrity Slim shakes/healthy eating diet for the next 21 days. I have the shakes as a back up, and still have 12 days worth so why let them go to waste?
- Lose minimum 2 kg by the 26th of September 2009.
- Follow through with my current reward and take myself to the Gold Class movies like I promised.
- After doing that, create a new reward for my next goal.
Weigh in. Day 20.
Weigh In.
Weigh in yesterday: 149.5
I was astounded, to say the least, and extremely disappointed that after all that effort I had not lost a single kilo. And, trusting those scales, each time I measure myself in the morning I tend to put on a kilo or something after I eat and get into my day.
The day that preceded distracted me from any thoughts wondering what to do. My first response was to give in, throw it out, have all the lollies I want since I can’t see what difference it has made at all if I let myself eat sugar or not.
I’ve had a lot of support for this. And I cannot express how grateful I am at how caring everyone is. But I also realise how well I have to know my own body, and how well I do know my own body, when within that support people offer advice. Some think it’s because it won’t happen immediately, others think it is happening but in cms rather than weight, some recommend it all comes down to how the clothes feel, some thought it was because I was plateauing and others say “You didn’t put on weight so that’s something.”
I am incredibly resistant today. I want to kick and scream at what other people think, and whinge and complain about how difficult it has been for me and I can’t believe I worked this hard and nothing has happened. I really wanted to do that yesterday yet I found myself still having a salad for dinner.
I didn’t have a salad because I felt it would be better for me. I, for some reason, have not been and currently cannot link eating well with my body. When I eat and when I diet I do it to drop the weight and be slimmer. But there’s no connection in my mind between eating well and my body working well- even if it stays at this weight. Yes I admit if I continue to be at this weight and cannot lose any of it I would simply continue to eat sweets out of an inability to understand what the difference is.
Calculations/Scarlett’s point of view
It’s like this, to make it really simple:
Scarlett + diet = weight loss.
Scarlett + eating good = what for?
Scarlett + weight loss = great, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.
This is not a healthy mindset I’m aware. But this isn’t something new, either. I could see it as a possible symptom for dieting but it’s not. I’ve had this in my mind for a while which is why I used to reach for the lollies instead of the salad most of the time. It never registered in my head, ‘You need to eat the salad to help your body process and work better.’ I feel the compulsion to eat lollies because the body becomes addicted to sugar and it’s a habitual thing. But to get right down to he core of it I mentally cannot link the two to compel me to eat better.
Maybe because I have been eating sugar for so long and have created such an addiction to it that I don’t know what it’s like to really live without it. Really. To a great degree so that when it comes to the choice I can say “no I know I feel better eating sugar.” Whatever the case may be currently the fact I’m still dieting is shocking to myself.
I have no mental compulsion to do it. I have no heart in it. I don’t have the passion in it that I started with. However…
Having said all that it IS the physical aspect at this point that is stopping me from reverting, I think. Small things. My experience so far is that when I give into sugar again I get headaches. I’m a bit more alert, not so much energetic (as everyone on the adverts promotes “oh I’ve got so much energy now!”). I don’t feel so awkward ingesting food.
Anxiety
And there have been circumstances recently that have made me feel very embarrassed, and secretly humiliated and panicked, that I have never ever felt before. Like the fact that all the theatres in Melbourne (to which I have suddenly had a run of shows to see at) have seats that only just fit my ass. That in the cinema the other night when I sat next to the person for the first time they moved over to the next empty seat beside them (though I probably would have done this too just because hell, if you can have your own personal space then have it). Yesterday while out with friends I panicked when we said we would be driving in my friend’s car to go get some dinner. I panicked that I would be too big for the car. And for some reason sitting in a theatre or cinema can put me in dire pain in my coxyx for some weird and upsetting reason. It get so painful like I’m crushing it or sitting awkwardly so the bone is out of place but the discomfort grows into an ache and then finally into so much pain I’m forced to stand and walk – which is obviously frustrating in a cinema or theatre. Getting into a bed and wondering if I’m too heavy for it. Sitting on a chair and hoping it will stay put and not crack or collapse or something equally as hideous.
These sorts of unhealthy thoughts have begun plaguing me on a regular basis, before the diet so this is not a symptom of the diet either. Just a woman expressing anxiety she’s been experiencing. A growing anxiety that I never, ever used to have.
This entry became a lot longer than I initially made it out to be.
So where am I now? I had a shake for breakfast. Was getting a headache again which was weird since I haven’t had any sugar, but had water and that was apparently what I needed. For lunch I will have another shake. I still don’t have food in the house but when I went to the petrol station this morning to get milk I came out with only milk and no lollies. No chocolate. Only milk (and cat food).
I don’t know why. Maybe it’s habitual now. Today is day… 20. I have promised myself that I would have Gold Class as a reward for completing 21 days so I’m going to follow through on that. Perhaps this weekend. I actually have done 21 days of this diet. Shakes split with good eating.
I could do another 21 days. See what happens… I got the rest of these shakes after all, what the hell am I going to do with them if not drink them? What the hell am I going to do with myself if nothing happens?
24 Hour Rapid Detox: Update
An update on the 48 Hour Rapid Detox:
I left the my phone number to see what they would say. They give you three bottles (an undetailed amount). You get to try one of the bottles. If within 21 days you’re not satisfied with at least dropping a dress size you send the other two bottles back. If you choose to keep the other two bottles it is $150!
Secondly: I’m starving.
Intake
Last night I went out and bought a microwave lasagna for dinner, and an oven pizza for tonight.
This morning I had a chocolate shake for breakfast (sounds indulgent doesn’t it?). Chewing gum since then. Now having a meal replacement soup- beef flavour. Their soups are pretty standard for soup-in-a-cup
Second day of the Celebrity Slim meal replacement program- in full. Breakfast and lunch has been replaced entirely. Wednesday is movie day. I’m going to the movies twice, and that will be interesting!
One of my favourite things to do is to gobble up lollies, a choc top and coke as I’m watching a film. I think for the first film I won’t have anything. Or maybe I’ll find something healthy to snack on.
And Thursday is a long day out with friends. So there will be lunch and dinner. Thursday is my weigh in day, it will be interesting to see the results.
